he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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