Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
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He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
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Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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