Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
