had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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