when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Boobs are out for the taking
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
