Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
