They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
