i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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