Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
