You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
