you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
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the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
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We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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