The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
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