evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
