We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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