On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
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We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
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I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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