Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
