he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
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I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
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And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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