So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
