Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
