Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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