I wannas sexs uuuuu
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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