I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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