Moan for me like Helen Keller
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
