just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
