I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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