2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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