Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
