I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
