Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
