She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
