no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
