She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
