Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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