You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
