There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
