Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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