watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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