I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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