My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
