i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
