This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
