You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
