Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
