just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
