You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
