I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
