a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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