So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
