Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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