i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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