My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
