Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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