"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
