I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
