Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
