Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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