the condom got lost in my hair
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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