Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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