I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
