he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
