He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
My breasts were aching with rage.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
