I faked an abortion last night.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I AM VODKA MAN
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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